Most days I am feeling very in control and like I can conquer anything that life throws my way, but today is not one of those days.
I am scared of getting a c-section. I loved my daughter's birth. I loved feeling like I accomplished something wonderful when I pushed her out, and it was amazing. I never wanted to have a c-section. It just seems so major. I know it is for the well being of my little guy but the thought of being cut open like that is terrifying.
I am scared of the possibility that he wouldn't make it. The thought of losing my son so quickly after he is born is something I'm not prepared to deal with. I don't want to think about it. But what if it happens. I don't know how I would be able to handle it if that were to happen. I am praying that he continues to grow as he has been and that this is just a silly worry and nothing else.
I am scared that I am going to hurt my son when I hold him. I know that babies with OI break easily, sometimes without much force at all. I am just so afraid that I am going to pick him up or try to get him dressed and break his bones. I know it is something I will have to deal with if/when it happens, but I am just so scared knowing that he will be in pain many times throughout his life and that I may accidentally be the cause at one point or another.
I am scared of being away from my daughter while I'm in the hospital after my c-section. I am a stay at home mom and I spend all of my time with her. I haven't spent more than a few hours away from her at a time and I will be delivering about an hour and a half away from home. I don't know if there is any way for her to stay closer to me without paying an arm and a leg but the thought of being away from her for an extended period of time gives me a ton of anxiety.
I am scared of how my daughter will be around the new baby. She loves babies so much and is just incredibly sweet, but I wouldn't want her to accidentally be too rough and hurt him. But I also don't want her to be afraid to be around him. She only just turned two in August so she is still very young and I don't know if she will really understand that she needs to be extra careful when around him.
I am scared that we won't be able to give our daughter an amazing Christmas this year. Because I will be delivering in December and he may need to be in the hospital for an extended period of time, we might be staying at a Ronald McDonald House for Christmas. And we won't be able to be with family like we are every other year. I know that we will make it as special as we can, but I'm afraid that it won't be good enough.
I'm scared I won't be able to nurse our son. I loved breastfeeding our daughter and I'm afraid for one reason or another I won't be able to do it this time around. There are so many wonderful benefits to nursing that I really hope that I can.
There is just so much more that I can't even seem to wrap my mind around and so many more things we need to do to prepare for our son's arrival. We haven't bought a single thing for him yet. There was just so much uncertainty that my husband and I didn't want to go out and buy a bunch of things that wouldn't work for him or that would need to be returned. We have no clothing, no car seat, no stroller, no pack-and-play (which we will be using for right after he comes home), no diapers, nothing. I am feeling overwhelmed with my emotions at the moment, and getting some of it written out has helped ease my mind at least a little bit. Hopefully I will be able to get some sleep as it is currently 12:47am.
Goodnight all.
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